One day in Bangaloru

Recently I went on a trip to Bangaloru to meet my friends. The pathetic infrastructure of the city only frustrated me. The city was built with the idea that the only moving object that might come out on the road was Charlie Chaplin walking on a straight line. Little did they know that there were objects called vehicles and occasional visitors like Tusnin who might as well come out on the roads. Unlike the development authority in Hyderabad, which is expert in applying cut-paste technology on roads, the authority in Bangaloru is more orthodox and determined not to touch the roads. On the other hand, they come up with innovative ideas to tackle the traffic, like vehicles with odd and even registration numbers to run on alternate days, but never with an effort to improve the infrastructure. I had no intention spoil my trip and get caught up in a traffic which moved slower than Atal Vihari Vajpayee’s speech. So I decided to stay indoors, doing what I was best at; watching TV!

Away from home with nothing to do, I decided to do some research on the available TV channels. I am really impressed with the recent makeovers of the channels and the programs. News channels, which were merely source of information a decade ago, have become entertainment channels as well. Every time I browsed over the news channels, I found news on Rakhi Sawant’s changing statistics or news on a sting operation by a second news channel which revealed (don’t ask how?) the actual statistics of Rakhi Sawant, which a third TV channel claimed to be false. With news channels covering Rakhi Sawant 24/7, who wanted an entertainment channel! But this was not the end. There were continuous debates on critical issues like marital status of the girlfriend of a Prime Minister of a country visiting India, whether Banta Singh called Santa Singh a monkey or actor x was going around with actress y, who was an ex-girlfriend of actor z. The discussions were dramatized by calling eminent people from different social and political circles and letting them decide the appropriate statistics for Rakhi Sawant.

And if you are a public figure and in the look out for an advisor for your public life, you better leave your public life at the hands of the news channels. They will tell you from whom-you-should-date-to-what-you-should-do-when-you-are-out-with-your-date to which-part-of-the-body-you-should-get-a-tattoo-done to which-underwear-you-should-wear. And if you don’t, you better watch the news channel to discover that your eyes are not symmetrical. With all these going on in the TV at any moment of time, I can’t help getting glued to the TV with the hope that someday I’ll be covered in any of these news channels for being the most dedicated viewer.

With news channels filling in for entertainment channels, entertainment channels had to go ten steps forward. The Saas Bahu serials still rock. Every time I browsed through these set of channels, I came across some constipated face turning three times along with some sound effect-bang, bang and bang followed by some startling revelation like “KavyaKalyanjali’s mother KusumKali having an affair with some Kumar Singh Zindal”. Though these serials appeared to be simple, they ran quite complex set of relationships. After years of research, I have finally come up with a template to create a Saas-Bahu Serial. The serial begins with main character X getting married to character Y. Character X is welcomed by character Z who is the mother-in-law of character X. After 50 episodes of happy married life character X finds that character Y has been previously married to character A who is the best friend of character X. X also finds out that Y is currently seeing his personal secretary D who happens to be the sister of A. To save her husband from the evil hands, character X starts prayers to God. On the other side, character D plans to kill character X in order to marry Y and to inherit the property of Y. Character D teams up with character Z to kill character X, which they finally do. But character X reappears in the next episode. And this goes on in cycle. No wonder these serials are the biggest money generator for the channels and my core area of research.

Even if the Saas-Bahu serials rule, there is a spur of reality shows across the channels. Reality shows on dancing, reality shows on singing, reality shows on relationships, reality shows on survival and reality shows on reality of reality shows – you name it, you get it. The reality shows are a golden opportunity for aspiring talents to find quick recognition and earn some quick bucks. And for channels it’s a gold mine because nothing sells like emotion of the masses. The way suspense is generated in each of these episodes has impressed me a lot. A typical scenario is: announcing the result where some of the participants will be eliminated and some will survive, sometimes with video clippings of their personal lives and sometimes with long commercial breaks. The anchor comes up with the result and starts a normal countdown. The heartbeats and the palpitation of each of the participants are recorded on an ECG machine. Their life-less faces are closely monitored on the camera. By the time the count reaches zero, the anchor gets a call from his girlfriend who is attacked by a cockroach in her kitchen. To save his beloved from the clutches of the dreaded devil, the anchor jumps out of the arena and rushes back home. But he does not forget to carry the life of the participants along with him. When he reaches home, he is attacked by a monkey which steals the results. All these events are fully covered on camera and the condition of the hearts of each participant is displayed thoroughly. The veterinary department is called in to hunt for the monkey which is carrying the life of the participants. Finally the monkey is captured and the result sheet is obtained. By that time, the ECG machine has gone out of control. It cannot bear the plight of the participants. Considering all these situations, the producer may decide to declare the survivors provided the stars are properly aligned for the participants. Teary eyes throng the screen as participants are eliminated. It’s not just elimination; it’s the end of hope for them. The simple mantra is the more the suspense, the more the TRP for the channel, be it at the cost of the emotion of the masses. One more thing which contributes to the high TRP ratings of these channels is the conflict of opinion of the judges, to the extent that celebrities start fighting over candidates, to ensure their own position in other such programs.

By the time Bose came back from office, I had browsed through almost all the channels available. My surfing resulted in some interesting stuff, with a series of events happening before me. Check this out

“Zee Movies”

Dharmendra shouting on a dog free zone “Kutte Kamine mein tera khun pee jaunga”

“Animal Planet”

Maneka Gandhi hosting a show for the protection of the rights of dogs and preaching to save them from blood-sucking insects. Some women in the background pampering a few dogs and letting them spoil their white frocks to keep up to Maneka’s love for them.

“Zee TV”

The ad of washing powder ‘Nirma’ with marble-like white frocks hanging to dry.

“some saas-bahu serial”

Two ladies discussing the recovery of a ladies white frock from man’s wardrobe. One of them recollects some incident. Bang Bang Bang

“Local cable channel”

Some desi movie with some desi love scene. I could see two birds kissing each other and a sudden blast in the volcano from nowhere. But, as two flowers came close, blocking my view, I switched the channel.

“star sports”

“Shoooooooooooot ” and I could see the ball in the goal. Man U just did it again.

“Sahara Movies”

“Mein tumhare bachhe ki maa banne wali hoon” screamed a heroine.

“some saas-bahu serial”

Some guy,“Lekin ye sab hua kaise, hum dono to sirf internet friend hai”
Some girl screamed “don’t you remember sending me your love as an email attachment?”

“history channel”

A child with Chinese mustache is born!! The child is named Chengiz Khan.

“Zee Movies”

A Chinese villain approaches the heroine with malicious intentions. The heroine pleads “Bhagwan ke liye mujhe chor do. Bhagwan please mujhe is jalil se bacha lo”

“God channel”

No signal! Please contact your service provider.

“Doordarshan”

Dropadi standing in the royal court with all the Pandavas with their heads hanging down.

“CNN IBN”

Prime minister addressing the nation saying “It’s a national shame”.

“NDTV”

Protest all around India. Medha Patekar reaches the spot.

” Zee Movies”

Dharmendra screaming “Ek ek ko chun chun ke Marunga”

“Asian Tele shopping”

Sorry. You don’t have any option. You have to take the whole bunch.

“Star movies”

Jackie Chan takes up the cowboy look and goes under ground.

“Zoom”

Shahruk Khan “Don ko pakad na mushkil hi nehi, na mumkin hai”

“ESPN”

Michael Jordon flashes his teeth saying “Impossible is nothing”

“Cartoon Network”

Tom made the jump of his life and found Jerry in his hand.

“Some channel”

Some wife screams at her husband“What is this going on? You are watching TV the whole day. I am gonna throw this idiot box away..*&%(*&$*($%*87”

(switch off)